A daughter’s out-of-wedlock pregnancy no doubt comes as a shock, especially in Christian families. Difficult decisions have to be made, the kind that can either bind family members closer or drive them farther apart. And when the initial crisis is over, how do they pick up the pieces?

The daughter may choose to marry or be a single parent. Our topic here is the effect of her other two choices — abortion and adoption. Selecting either one of those means her parents will lose a grandchild, whether by death or by separation. That loss initiates a grieving process for them, whether they recognize it or not. And that’s on top of the grieving process engendered by their daughter’s pregnancy.

Two Losses
When I was a pregnancy center director, our clients often remarked how scared they were to tell their parents that they were pregnant, especially if they came from a Christian home.

I advised them to give their parents time to digest the news and adjust. Their initial burst of anger in response to the news usually passed upon reflection, and love for their daughter superseded the anger and shock.

That daughter needed to realize that her parents were grieving. One client scoffed when I told her that, saying, “Why should they be grieving? I’m the one who’ll be going through the humiliation, discomfort and hard decisions.”

Apart from the maxim that parents hurt when their children hurt, I explained to her their loss. When their little girl was born, they probably envisioned that she would finish high school, go to college, meet her “knight in shining armor” and get married. Then grandchildren would come along—amidst great excitement.

Now, all of those dreams, both for their daughter’s life and for those grandchildren, ended with the pregnancy. That loss necessitates grieving — working through the shock, denial, anger, bargaining, depression and finally arriving at acceptance. And whether the pregnancy ends with abortion or adoption, there’s an additional loss of a grandchild.

When the choice was abortion
Many of the clients at our pregnancy center came from Christian homes. Frequently, the grandmother-to-be pushed for abortion, not the boyfriend who got the daughter pregnant and then abandoned her.

Catherine Hickem, a pastor’s wife and licensed therapist, counsels many post-abortive women. She often hears about the role mothers played in the pro-abortion decision. The reason mothers most often give is that they want what’s best for their daughter, and they believe having a baby would ruin her life.

They don’t understand — or they overlook — that abortion throws a life away. In addition, an irreplaceable part of their daughter dies. If she believes her mother’s love and acceptance will be withdrawn apart from abortion, she may feel intensely pressured and give in.

With hindsight, mothers often realize that those dreams for their daughter interfered with helping her make the right decision. Faith and trust in a God who always provides when we obey Him are overridden by pride in what the parents want her to become. Never mind what God’s commands and plans are! The consequences are enormous, yet God’s healing hand is always there, waiting to help.

Steps for healing
The first step for parents who have walked this path is to confess before the Lord—and perhaps to their daughter, too—the sin of pride or selfishness that clouded their thinking and resulted in letting their daughter down when she needed support.

Some parents are afraid that others will see their daughter’s out-of-wedlock pregnancy as an indication that they didn’t properly teach her biblical morality. Sometimes the parent-child relationship has been marred because the parents told their daughter they could not trust her anymore.

They should ask themselves what they need to confess and from whom they need to seek forgiveness. Having done that, they can begin to restore the relationship with their daughter. One step is to tell her that she’s always their daughter and they’ll always love her, even though they may not always like or agree with her behavior.

Parents must realize that the abortion will affect their daughter for years to come, and she’ll need their loving acceptance to work through it. They might encourage her to enroll in a post-abortion recovery class at a pregnancy resource center.

When the choice was adoption
When a birthmother chooses to place her child with an adoptive family, she makes a sacrificial and mature decision. Her parents should tell her that often. She is truly living out Romans 8:28, that God can bring good out of even difficult situations when we trust Him.

She and her parents are now grieving the loss of that child—lost in the sense that another family will be rearing her. They should cry together, remember together and enjoy the pictures taken in the hospital. It’s also helpful to talk about whom the baby looks like and to pray together for the child.

The grandparents should not avoid the subject for fear it will make it hard on their daughter. That’s all she’s thinking about anyway, and the same is true for them. Everyone involved should freely discuss the baby but not force the subject. This will help both the parents and their daughter work through the grieving process.

Steps for healing
When the birth mother achieves some degree of acceptance, she should take steps to move into the rest of her life. She might take a short trip somewhere, enroll in college, get a new job or pursue other goals and plans. Being able to do so is one reason adoption is chosen in the first place. But the all-important reason is to provide the very best life possible for that much-loved child.

As the daughter begins to regain some semblance of normality in her life, the same will happen for her parents. If it does not, they should seek help.

They might see if the adoption agency has a support group for birth-grandparents. Or they can consider seeing a professional counselor or a lay counselor at their church. Everyone touched by the pregnancy should pray for the child and pray that all those involved will learn every lesson God has in the whole situation. It helps to write down those specific prayers, making it possible to praise God later for the marvelous answers He sends.

It’s understandable for grandparents who love their grandchild to deeply regret the separation that lies ahead, even while agreeing that adoption is the very best decision. Adoption can bring a renewed appreciation of how the Father must have felt when He voluntarily sent His Son to earth out of His great love.