I was scared and confused by all the different messages I was getting from the culture:

• "you’ll disappoint your parents – they won’t love you"
  
• "it’s just a blob of tissue"
  
• "no one will have to know"
  
• "life will go on like nothing ever happened"
  
• "it’s legal so it can’t be wrong"
  

Because I trusted, loved, & was committed to my boyfriend- it was easy for him to convince me that my parents would be hurt and embarrassed and that it would be "our secret."

What I didn’t realize was that I would always know. Somewhere inside I knew that God knew and the secret could not be kept silent.

When I arrived at the FACILITY, for the first abortion, I was told the procedure would be "short and a little uncomfortable."

"They" said it was "just a small blob of tissue" so they would use a machine that would suck the tissue out, then everything would be "ok." I could go back to my normal activities.

The truth was it was not a "simple procedure" – it was painful, and the noise was loud, like a vacuum cleaner. As far as going back to my normal activities, well nothing in my life would be the "normal" again.

After the first abortion I started using contraceptives, however not consistently. I became pregnant two more times. I also chose to terminate them with abortions for a total of three abortions.

After each pregnancy termination, I always felt relief and pushed the abortion experience as far back in my mind as I could.

I did marry my boyfriend. We eventually had two full- term pregnancies. However,it wasn’t until the second child, when they did his ultrasound, I saw the picture of Jordan in my womb, that I came to realize that I had terminated my three pre-born babies.

I could no longer deny that the small blob of tissue was a live pre-born baby inside of me- - for all my pregnancies, yes all five of them.
I was very saddened but still tried not to think about what the three abortions.

Later, the father of my five children and I eventually divorced, as do most couples who choose abortion. Unfortunately, we never discussed our abortions.

Studies have found most women stay in denial for 7-10 years, I stayed in denial even longer, approximately 12 years.

During the time of my abortions, none of the abortionists or people in their facilities ever told me there would be emotional, spiritual and/or physical health risks.

Through the years I have experienced many of the symptoms of post-abortion syndrome. Emotionally I experienced guilt, anger, feeling unworthy, sense of loss, depression, shame, distance from friends, family and God, and avoidance of the subject of abortion.

Physically I experienced breast cancer. At the age of 39 I was diagnosed with Stage I breast cancer. When the doctor asked the usual medical history questions of family, late pregnancies, etc. the ONLY question I answered "yes" to was – "Yes, I had had an abortion."
That was the only breast cancer risk factor I had. Again the long- term consequences of choosing abortion had affected my life.

Spiritually I hardened my heart so I wouldn’t get attached. Bitterness & hopelessness set in my soul. I was unreceptive to forgiving myself or to the fact that God would forgive me. I was horrified because I had made the wrong choice.

I believed the lie that I would never be good enough to be loved if anyone knew of my abortion choice.

It has just been in the last 6-8 years that I have reconciled my choices. I realize and accept the love, truth & forgiveness of God and began the journey of wholeness.

God also gave me the courage to share my secrets with my husband, my two children, my family and my church. I found that it gave me closer relationships and they loved me unconditionally.

I realize I did not make the right choice. I couldn’t have made the right choice because I was missing all the facts concerning the immediate & future consequences of an abortion.

I made an uninformed choice with very few facts and a lot of fear and lies.

Terri Baxter is Executive Director of Riverside Pregnancy Center, Denver Colorado.  She can be contacted at (720) 855-0505.