As I watched the events of the morning unfold, the Lord spoke to me in my place of darkness. He said, “As there is much death and destruction in one part of the country, there is new life within you.”

The words brought comfort to me. They symbolized a tiny ray of light and hope in the midst of all the darkness of the day. Later, when I learned my baby would be a boy, I decided I would name him Ray.

Then the Lord said further, “However, this gift of new life is not intended for you. This baby isto be a gift to a couple that cannot create new life on their own.

“You are to be MY vessel to carry this gift for that purpose.” The prospect of abortion did not cross my mind. There was no doubt in my mind. I knew I would place this baby for adoption.

On August 24, just a few weeks before September 11, I had broken off a sinful relationship I was in for several months. Even in my sinfulness, the Lord amazes me. Why would He use me, a pathetic, hopeless sinner, to carry His gift? God's plans were to turn a sinful situation into a blessing.

Over a period of about a month of prayerful searching, and with many outside confirmations, the Lord led me to a Christian adoption agency. Through this agency, I was directed me to a wonderful Christian couple. The husband is a pastor and the wife is a registered nurse (looking forward to being a “stay-at-home” mom).

Early into the adoption process, I discovered that neither the adoption agency nor the adoptive parents could help me with any of my medical expenses. It all seemed so overwhelming to me.

I kept thinking, "I could have chosen an easier Path — perhaps a different adoption agency." I could have chosen a private adoption through an attorney and all of my financial needs would have been provided for.

However, the Lord had only shown me ONE path. The path was narrow, lonely, exhausting, and very painful. But it was a path I knew I must travel. I felt the Lord wanted me to place Baby Ray with this particular couple.

Seven months into my pregnancy, I asked my pastor if I could stand before our small church and present my "story" to the congregation. It was very difficult to stand in front of more than 200 people to tell them of my sin (not that it wasn’t obvious).

The testimony went well. My church body blessed me with a tender, compassionate response. After giving my testimony, I felt a surge of peace flood over me. It seemed that just telling my church family members had lifted a tremendous burden from my shoulders.

Many church members came up to me over the next few weeks and told me how proud they were of me. And a few people came to me and said that God wanted them to give me a gift — and handed me a check. One person alone handed me a check for $1,000, another a check for $500. I received $1,850 of donations from my church family!

Because the adoption agency was unable to meet my financial needs, I was forced to go straight to God, to ask Him to help me. This gave God the opportunity to show me how He provides for those who ask. If I hadn't had a financial need, then God would not have been able to allow so many people to come beside me and bless me with their gifts of love.

I never really believed before this happened to me that God provides for our financial needs in this way. I never believed that God just "hands over" money to us. I have always believed in the “hard core” work ethic: you have to earn your money. Now I have learned that God is not that way. God is the God of mercy and grace. God is the God Who loves to give gifts. God is the God Who loves to show me, over and over again, who He is.

Waiting for the day of the arrival of Baby Ray seemed like an eternity. I was tired of being pregnant. I took my maternity leave two weeks before the delivery so I could rest and finish some last minute tasks to help welcome Baby Ray into this world. The most important thing I wanted to do was write a letter to Baby Ray. Once this letter was written, everything was settled inside of me and I was finally ready to deliver this precious gift into the world. Here’s the letter I wrote:

Dear Baby Ray,

These words come to you with much love, excitement and anticipation from me. From the moment I knew of you, I knew that God had a very special plan for you. You are a gift to your Mom and Dad, who embrace you with their loving arms.

I call you, Ray, because of words of hope that God gave to me when I discovered that God had created you. The day I learned of your new life was a very bad day for our country. It was a day with much disaster and death. It didn’t seem that any good could come out of this day. Then God showed to me He created your life to bring forth a ray of hope and a ray of light to this dark world that we live in. So from that day forth, I have called you Ray.

I love you…I always have and I always will. I look forward to the day that we may see each other. In the meantime, I will always have a special place in my heart for you, too.

With love,

Your birthmother

Baby Ray had made his presence known on September 11. When his time to enter the world finally came, he arrived at 9:11 p.m. He was a 9/11 baby, that's for sure.

For the next two days, the adoptive parents and I spent time together with Baby Ray. I enjoyed watching them interact with him. The bond between them and myself also grew stronger. This was the final seal to the adoption. I will always be able to rest assured in the fact that my baby was exactly where God would have him be.

On Wednesday afternoon, my pastor and his wife came to pray over, anoint and dedicate Baby Ray to his new journey in life. They prayed over the adoptive parents, the baby and myself. The Spirit of God entered the room. What a powerful time it was!
___________

I miss him. I miss his presence. As much as I wanted to be done with the pregnancy, I miss the feeling of him inside me. I miss the feeling of him thumping, jumping, stretching and bouncing. I miss worshipping in church with him. During worship, I would hold my hand over him so he could feel the worship. Now I put my hand on my belly and he's not there.

I know God will heal this pain; He will fill this empty hole with His mighty presence. But I don't think He will do it instantly. I need to grieve the loss first.

Throughout this journey, God has revealed to me His love, mercy, compassion, forgiveness, tenderness, friendship, healing power, provision and shield of protection. In the past, these words were mere adjectives to me. Now they are an experience.